Undesired Air


To all esteemed Daily Laborer Readers,

Kindly permit, Ah Kong, your humble servant to discourse on one topic that, for a fact, everybody shuns to yak about.

Ah agonized whether to share his thoughts with Daily Laborer readers on a matter considered delicate by many.

After much soul-searching and help of a wise old man with white hair and white flowing beard who lives deep in Cordillera’s mountain footholds north of Benguet Province, who told Ah ‘twas fair for Herald Express readers to know “what matters” to be known.

“With humor you have been married to your readers, which nobody can rend asunder; go ahead and make known your gallivanting thoughts,” the old man said and winked. With that, Ah decided to shares his thought on said matter.

Permit me then humbly to talk of one topic in today’s time which is described as an “Enlightened Age,” which Ah deems you very well agree with.

True, it is, that it is universally known that when we, the humans digest food, and in the process of digesting food, there is generated or manufactured, in the bowels of human creatures, a “mass of wind” that needs to be forced out through the lower opening of the human body.

True, also, that in the process of letting out such “mass of wind” to mix with the atmosphere can be very offensive if done in public or when in the company of others.

Or to be more specific, it isn’t nice at all to say that one word about that “mass of wind” in public, or let alone actually let one fly in the company of others. For it might offend someone, for that someone will be forced to blurt, “nagbastos ka metten.”

But sadly, there are those in our midst, who after having let loose that “mass of wind” and receiving the admonition, “nagbastos ka metten,” resort to answering back by saying, “Ni, maki-angangot ka laeng, agriri ka pay!”

Or, there are those with twisted humor who, when in the company of others in a confined room, blatantly shoot off a “mass of wind” to the discomfort of others and angrily force them to comment, “Iruar mo met ah, anya ka met nga!”

To which that person with twisted humor fires back by saying, “Ket inruar ko met. Apay di yo nadenggeg.”

That is the agony of Ah, in sharing this thought. The Constitution guarantees “Freedom of the Press.” But in guaranteeing freedom of the press, Ah personally believes that a writer worth his salt should guarantee also that what he/she writes about does not offend anybody.

Ah personally believes that whether or not ideas contain truth, is of no consequence, if some poor downtrodden individual will be offended if such an idea is placed on print, or even uttered on the airwaves by radio.

And in writing about this “mass of wind” generated by the human body, Ah hopes he will not outright be kicked out of his job as columnist of Herald Express.  For in today’s time when jobs are scarce, landing a job is like looking for a needle in a haystack.

Now, where were we? Aah! That “mass of wind”. Decent people strives to make it a point never to let loose that “mass of wind” in the presence of anybody, to avoid giving such an offense.

And in doing so, they forcibly restrain the work of Mother Nature to allow in the discharge of that “mass of wind,” at the cost of their comfort.

Our comfort turns to discomfort in restraining that “mass of wind,” and by doing so, we experience pain in the buttocks that may even result to ailment like stomachache, or even rupture.

To be absolutely honest, were it not for the offensive smell of that “mass of wind,” all persons will never be under restraint in discharging that “mass of wind” whether by their lonesome, in the company of others or downright at public places.

It would be an ordinary discharge, just like spitting on the street unmindful of others, blowing one’s nose without cover of handkerchief, coughing directly into the face of somebody, blowing tobacco smoke at someone’s nose or chewing momma and spitting hither and yon to paint the town red.

Oh, how life can be made more comfortable if we, the humans can freely discharge that “mass of wind,” hourly, twenty-four hours a day, seven times a week, twelve months a year, with nary a restraint.

Science was able to put man on the moon. That being the case, Ah, therefore proposes to the esteemed readers of Daily Laborer to put their heads together and invent or discover a wholesome ingredient that, when mixed to the food we consume, shall render the “mass of wind” not offensive.

That with the use of said invented or discovered ingredient, that “mass of wind” will come out discharged, smelling like a woman’s perfume, so enticing to arouse the senses of even those who have lost hope of marrying.

That we might even capture that “mass of wind” turned to perfume in a bottle and when we feel like throwing up when travelling, we’d just open the bottle and smell that “mass of wind” turned to cologne.

Aside from said ingredient rendering the “mass of wind” pleasurable to smell, it also eases away our discomfort of restraining whenever that “mass of wind” makes it mind to be let loose and mix up with the atmosphere.

And, op kors, we shall organize a regular and yearly contest, if you will, gather people from all corners of Cordillera and Region 1, and engage them in what we shall call, “Loudest Discharge of Mass of Wind.”

Mechanics of the contest will be simple: contestants will be categorized into four, which are, soprano, alto, tenor and bass. Winners will be based on who has the loudest “mass of wind” in soprano, alto, tenor and bass.

They can even discharge their “mass of wind” in contra-soprano, contra-alto, contra-tenor or contra-bass.

To make the contest more serious but enjoyable, we shall request participation of all sectors, particularly those experts on music, to serve as panel of judges, to erase once and for all the suspicion that we, the organizers are biased and in favor of a certain contestant or category.

The contestant who can trumpet the loudest sound of the “mass of wind” will be adjudged overall winner.

Furthermore, we, the humankind, shall forever be indebted and ever grateful to any Cordilleran or Region 1 resident/s who shall have discovered the ingredient to make “mass of wind” ever pleasurable to the senses of humans.

P.S. The other English word of the “mass of wind” starts with the letter F.

Humorously devoted, I remain. (signed), Ah Kong.