Need a Cure?


Many, as well as you – my stout-hearted reader with a fine mind –  may have, on various times, come across this experience in Baguio City, as experienced by a group:

An adult group composed of nine (four men, five ladies) was walking last Sunday along Magsaysay Street, wheeled left towards Lakandula Street, hoping to reach Gen. Luna Road by making a detour along a way under the commercial buildings along Lakandula   that leads towards Gen. Luna Road.

However, at Lakandula, the group was stopped by a person distributing one-fourth pieces of paper or flyers.

The group paused, accepted the flyers and scanned them over.  It said in the flyer, “Whole Body Check-Up/Health Screening,” and listed various health diseases which such checkup can treat.

And the flyer named the place of the clinic where to go for such check-up.

Ailments mentioned in the flyer that can be treated included Alzheimer’s disease, Anorexia nervosa, ear infections, acne, hemorrhoids, thyroid, goiter, prostate problem, constipation, Mayoma, tumor, liver problem, Uric acid, gout, asthma, allergy, arthritis, rheumatism, migraine, anemia.

Abnormal menstruation, ovarian problem, vertigo, tuberculosis, sleep disorder, bronchitis, bursitis, back pain, ulcer, acidity, hepatitis, leukemia, malaria, gallstone, urinary tract infection, hypertension, eye problems, infertility, lung problems, blood sugar, cholesterol, insomnia, kidney problem and heart disease.

“Wow!” Ah Kong, in the group, murmured, “Thirty-three diseases mentioned in the flyer that such whole body check-up can treat.”

After reading what was printed in the flyer, one of the ladies in the group, Maya Perfidang, 27, a pretty Cordilleran, asked the person who was distributing the flyers, “Saan ko maawatan daytoy ah, nga whole body check-up?”

Answered the person, “Ay Ma’am, nu mapan kayu agpa-checkup ditoy (indicating the address printed in the flyer),15 to 20 minutes laeng, maamwanen nu anya ti sakit yo!”

Ah Kong, in the group, raised his eyebrows and exclaimed, “Wow! Kasta kapaspas!”

“Wen!” the person distributing the flyer asserted.

Ah queried, “Damageg man nu anya nagan diay doctor yu?”

But the person stammered, hemmed and hawed, unable to give out a name. Instead, the person insisted, “Basta mapan kayo dita nga address.”

But Ah was insistent and asked, “Basta mapan kami ditoy nga address, di mi ibagbaga ti marikrikna mi, ket ma-whole body checkup kami, ket ti bayag iti 15 ken 20 a minotos, maamwanen ti sakit mi?”

“Wen, kasta kapaspas,” the flyer giver said.

Ah was insistent because in his mind, doubt was forming about such what were printed in the flyer.


Why? Ah worked for more than two decades with the Department of Health – Cordillera Administrative Region (DOH-CAR) and through all those years, was taught by DOH that treatment of various diseases was done meticulously, insistent, science-based and involved a lot and various laboratory tests.

Further, medical doctors are schooled in particular specialization, that when a physician suspects a person of having a certain ailment but isn’t in his/her field, such person is referred to a physician possessing such knowledge of specialization.

But for a person to be checked for a mere 15 to 20 minutes and voila!  Eureka! Abracadabra! The sickness is discovered, fantastically goes against Ah’s schooling.

Ah felt something amiss in what the flyer-giver was stating.

If that being the case, Ah complained to himself we may as well do away with medical schools and tell students aspiring to become medical doctors not to waste their precious time studying medicine for ten years and instead, to fling their efforts to other professions.

Because there’s now a way to discover diseases in 15 to 20 minutes with the accompanying cures!

Deep in his mind, Ah has a creepy question if pseudo-science (method or area of thought claiming to be scientific but possesses no basis in science) had crept into the “Whole Body Checkup” claim in the flyer.

But he kept his thoughts to himself and instead told the person giving the flyers, “Sige, padasen mi tu a mapan.”

As the group reached Gen. Luna Road, one of them, Pekto Ilawis, 52, A Cordilleran who made good fortune planting highland vegetables pointed to the flyer in his hand and exclaimed, “Mamati ka ditoy!”  All those in the group laughed at his sentiment.

Then Pekto related, “Idi, intaray dak ni baket koi diay ospital ta pirme ot-ot nga nariknak iti bakrang ko.  Unay-unay dinamag ti doctor nu anya talaga ti marikriknak, isu inbagak. Na test ti darak ken isbok engga natakwatan nga adda sakit ko ti bato ti kidney.  Ngem saan nga napan ti 15 wenno 20 minutos, nabayag nga naamwan, panggep inuray mi pay ti resulta ti lab tests, ultra sound ken CT scan.”

Then Pekto turned to Ah and said, “Hoy, Ah Kong nga tuglep, agisurat ka met man idiay column mo ti kakatkatawa nga panang-agas ti sakit, uray ta ammo mi nga panag-rabak laeng.”

So, as per Pekto’s request, here it is:

Ah is no master of the silver-tongue, so he never opted to be in the sales profession, for he’s been known to be “crazy, nalukayan turnilyo ti ulo na, a headless human being, etc.”

Yet, he can scribble a prescription, for perceived ills.

To let Ah’s fellow Christians, know of his extraordinary qualifications of his medicines, which he prefers to sell to the wealthy, but give away gratis (libre) to the poor, like him.

Hence, gentlemen and gentlewomen, Ah’s clinic is now open to cater to your needs.

Ah says with conviction; his medicines are worth their weight in gold. Being Physician-In-Ordinary, Ah’s medicines have extraordinary effects.

His medicines cure a crazy constitution, if Ah may say so with conviction, works strongly, as well as cleanses, and gives life and vigor to the whole human system.

For example, here’s Ah’s Syrup for Yak-yak Mouth, a flavor medicine for the month of August, and other months to come, for that matter.

It’s highly improbable to tick one by one the various surprising cures this inimitable syrup can do.

Before mentioning many of it’s the syrup’s qualities, kindly allow Ah to explain Yak-Yak Mouth disease.

It’s a common sickness, afflicts all, particularly women, characterized by its appearing in different shapes, but mostly in an ugly shape and with different effects.

This sickness is what many call as having a foul mouth and obnoxious tongue.

Cordillerans and lowlanders love to term it as,” tarabitab, tsismis, saosao wenno busatsat.”

Ah’s syrup for the mouth has miraculous effects, although, many a woman out there will believe she ain’t troubled at all with the yakkity-yak of the mouth.

On the first occasion such symptoms appear, one must take one tablespoon of the syrup, three times a day.

It’s the most beautifying fluid of the tongue, guaranteed, sweetens the breath of anyone, instead.

Oh, what benefits this syrup would give to the world of Cordillerans and lowlanders. Taken in as prescribed, would be of excellent service to anyone who’s associated with idle gossip.

It treats users of obnoxious thoughts, restorative in strengthening the tongue to speak faithfully, an invention truly exceptional since the science of Adam.

Next is Ah’s miracle pill, its excellent composition even a mystery to Ah.

Ah assures these pills are superb in treating greed, as the pills purge the brain of cracks, make the old appear young, the not-so handsome, handsome and the plain-looking lady, be beautiful.

Now, suppose any person or reader is afflicted with the malady called “agom,” a grievous and tormenting distemper. All one has to do is to take three pills, one in the morning, one at high noon and one before going to bed.

These pills strengthen the nerves of the user.

Ah says no more of the present, only to let know that his medicine cabinet is open to furnish any with cures to many maladies afflicting human beings.

Medicine prices are minimal, but its cures, superbly wonderful. Ah’s office hours open only at the middle of the night, for proper information.