Intimately; But with Face Mask, Face Shield?

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Humans are considered by scientists as mammals.  That being the case then, humans can also be considered animals. No?

Well, if we are to go by the cussing of many of Ah Kong’s female lowlander friends who are married, particularly some co-Ilocano or Pangasinense friends, they consider humans as animals.

When these female friends blurt a human is an animal, they shout it with emotional outburst that even the most hard-of-hearing or profoundly deaf who’s at the receiving end of such a “compliment” will get the reddest in the face.

More often than not, these female friends refer to man as an animal, giving pause for Ah Kong to reconsider   whether there’s truth about the saying, “There’s a woman’s intuition,” a clairvoyance absent in man.

Ah Kong speaks from past observation he encountered, observations that continually happen in the present. Of how these married female friends classify their husbands as brute animals.

Much so that they will even classify their friends as animals whenever they are upset with such friends.

Ah will illustrate. Ah has many highlander friends – males – who happened to get married with lowlander lasses. Now, these wives, whenever they are sweet with their highlander husbands would cuddle to their husbands, coo sweet nothing in the ears of their spouses, saying, “Ayna, pirme ayat ko kenyam. Lab you, lab you, lakay!”

After saying lab you, lab you, lakay, they’d pinch their husbands here, there and everywhere, including their ears and parts of the human anatomy which are downright forbidden to be pinched.

Op kors, naman, these highlander husband-friends, truly believing that their wives are in love with them, are tickled to the bones no end, floating on cloud 9 and blurred out of their senses for being “kilig na kilig.”

Seeing their lakays in stupor, these wives would again whisper in the ears of their husbands, saying, “Lakay, sweetie pie, cutie pie, many pie and am-mo pie, ikkannak man ti lima a ribo (5,000 pesos) ta mapanak ipa-rebond daytoy bo-ok ko ta ni nagrigat ketdin a sagaysayen ken ag-pamanicure ak pay.”

Hearing those many “am-mo pie” the wives whispered to them, that’s the time when the world of the husband-friends come crashing down from floating on cloud 9, and waking up from their blurred senses.

Shaking their heads groggily from the illusion created by their wives, they’d stammer and say, “Ay baket, awan met ti kwartak nga pito a ribo. Anusam ag-usar laengen a ti coconut virgin oil para iti bo-ok mo. Mayat nga addayo didyiay ta isu ti inus-usar ni Lola. Saan pay a nangina diay coconut oil. Ken sumileng pay ti bo-ok mo.”

Winking at their wives, these highlander husband-friends would continue, saying, matter-of-factly, “Nu kayat mu baket, ta saan ka pay laeng mabannog mapan idiay town nga ag-parebond ket dim ammo nu ma-covid ka pay, siakon ti mapan gumatang ti buko. Forty pesos la ti maysa.  Ken siakon ti ag-luto para ma-a-daan ka iti coconut oil para dita bo-ok mo.”

Saying those soothing words and good husbands they are, they, in turn, would also pinch their wives here, there and everywhere, including the ears and parts of the human anatomy which are seriously forbidden by men to be pinch.

But the wives, knowing their wishes not granted, instantly go on a rampage, throw a tantrum, by swatting away the pinching hands of their husbands, stand up from where they are sitting close to their husbands and with hands on their hips, angrily glare down at the husbands, saying, “Nagkirmot ka ketdin nga animal!”

And to punctuate what they stated, they’d shout further to the husbands, “Aniiiiimal! Bwisit!!!”

From past observations, Ah have heard of husbands, exasperated about their wives have called them “aniiiiimal,” gave a riposte by answering back, “Di bali animal ak, gwapo met!”

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Asked later by Ah if the men meant what they said to their wives, they’d grin mischievously and answer, “Sika met Ah Kong, nu naibagak man nga animal ak, sabong la didyiay ti ngiwat.”

As for these wives, deprived of their request to rebond their hair, would leave their befuddled husbands in a huff, but not after giving a parting shot, “Hoy animal nga naka-kurkuripot, saan mo nga panpanunuten nga maki-abay kenyak nu rabii, wenno mang-ungo kenyak! Nebber in your life!”

Which brings us at this present moment to an important point which   scientists are advocating: “that any husband and wife or partners being intimate MUST WEAR AT ALL TIMES A FACE MASK AND A FACE SHIELD! And no kissing!

And that these scientists are frowning on people who have these urge to kiss each other, one of the main reasons they are saying to all and sundry, “Wear face mask and face shield during moments of romantic intimacy.”

Ha! These scientists, instead of fully concentrating on their main work of peering into microscopes, proving theories, exploring the unexplored universe, developing vaccines for the protection of people, etcetera, instead waste their precious time by extravagantly dwelling on trivial matters like, say, a kiss? Eh?

So what’s in a kiss, anyway? Have you ever wondered just what it is?

Ah, who never in his life tasted the nectar of romance holds this impeachable view that a kiss in no more than just like a boxing bout, only this time the lips, not the hands, are used.  And people who just give away a flying kiss, instead of engaging in it like in a boxing bout, are hopelessly “sadot.” (lazy).

Moreso, we gotta remember that the pandemic has turned sweet kisses into nothing more than a risky business that can lead only to nowhere but bankruptcy.

Humans are constructed to react to physical touch.

That physical touch is what distinguishes you from a cold-blooded reptile. From a warm hug to a perfunctory handshake, a pat on the shoulder, or a kiss on the cheek, for examples, humans have developed a complex language, emotional expressions and cultures through physical contact.

Reason why when you meet your friend on the street, you have the urge to hug him/her. Affection is a behavior that evolved in human species that they seem incomplete without it.

It’s also an important behavior in the development and maintenance of romantic relationship, if you are to believe this idea of scientists.

It comes to this point where Ah is trying very hard to imagine how a husband and a wife, in moments of intimacy can really be that intimate, without that kissing, since kissing is a brilliant stroke of trick invented by Mother Nature to definitely stop a tsismissing mouth, yakking, talk or speech.

These experts also say that in moments of intimacy, a husband and a wife must each be wearing face masks. Others went further to advice, “including face shields.”

This coronavirus has complicated things in the world and had made intimacy between spouses tricky. Because of the above expert advice which is getting the most attention is the suggestion that partners should wear face masks and face shields that cover the nose and mouth and skip kissing and face to face contact.

Ah Kong remembers that even Dr. Silvestre Aben, Vice-President, Business Affairs of Benguet State University (BSU) previously reminded this numbskull of a columnist that, “No kissing when your wife is wearing face mask. No passion.”

It’s similar to the attention most Filipinos demonstrate when, instead of reminding those around them, “Hoy, ag-face mask ka ta baka ma-covid ka.” No, most would not say that. Instead they say, “Hoy, ag-face mask ka ta adda ti pulis.”

That the pandemic has taken a toll on all aspect of life including romantic relationship has not been lost on many of our co-Cordillerans and co-lowlanders, some having complained to Ah that the advice of Ah’s scientist’s friends are making their lives convoluted.

Even the youngsters complained to Ah Kong about their plight, repeating, “Sir, you tell us that the rules of dating in this age of social distancing is no kissing.  Same goes true for hugging and holding hands. But how can two hold hands, hug and kiss when social distancing is being enforced?”

Because of the advice of Ah Kong and his scientist friends, spouses and those in love are blaming we have stolen from them the sweet magic of kissing and touching as they argue further that they are hardwired to touch, hold and kiss one another.

Just when many yearn they need it most, the comfort of physical endearment is being denied them, many complained to Ah Kong.

Like one Baguio male resident, Crispin Labino, who added up the feelings of other husbands when going home after work, said, “I fear kissing my wife, for her own safety, much as I want to.”

In the meantime, in this covid-saturated world, it would seem human touch is in danger of becoming rare – if not extinct.  The spontaneity of connecting with people is just completely missing, nowadays.

Animals, er, humans will have to just bide their time being intimate by donning that face mask and face shield and go back later to hugging, shaking of hands and kissing after this disease will be defeated.

After all, humans are touchy-touchy creatures, and just like boxers, would desire to engage in a kissing bouts, anytime.

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